Arklow,Arklow, Arklow,, Co. Wicklow

Hello there.. well, because we're such mad, mad, party animals, we just cant get enough of the whole drinking thing. Yes, theres nothing more we enjoy on a Saturday night than going out, drinking as much or even more than our mates, picking up birds in short skirts, then going to some wonderful nightclub like the Vatican, listening to wonderful music hits from such musical genii like Aqua or Whigfield, then get in a fight, then puke all over our Guccishoes, buy a big dirty greasy kebab in Abra, then get in another fight in the taxi rank home, then run off on the taxi driver, then fall into bed at 4am, puke again in our sleep, and wake up with vomit encrusted into our faces and into our pillows.

But seriously folks, drinking is an ok thing when its done in moderation. Theres nothing more relaxing than a nice pint after a hard days toil. Well, there are several things we can think of off the top of our heads that actaully are much more relaxing than a pint, but its still nice all the same.

You're not a real man unless you drink lager..

We dont drink in pubs all that much, but when we do, we prefer to drink lager. Stout is for fat bastards. Fat old bastards. Anyone under the age of 25 who drinks stout is just an old fat bastard in disguise. Either that or they're a slave to the power of advertising, and that stupid fucking ad where the bloke jumps around the screen waiting for his pint to settle. You know the one. " Oh it's just so original, where do they think these things up?" Its not original, its bollocks. Seeing our fist an inch from your face might be original, but we wouldnt reccomend you watch it for very much longer.

Grogans,South William Street

This pub is quiet. Meaning that there isn't music being blasted into your eardrums everyfucking night of the week. The clientele seem to be made up oftwo separate groups: the first being the auld lads at the bardrinking stout <spit>, and then the other lot who sitaround the seats. This 'other lot' are usually a bunch of piercedfreaks from some Art College nearby. But they're ok. They dontmake noise and they dont try to hand you leaflets about savingtrees or some such bollocks. There's loads of interestingpaintings on the walls for sale. Its a nice spot to visit if youwant a relaxing drink. It's small though, so if you're goingthere, go early. Also tends to get a bit smoky and nasty on theeyes.

Mahaffy s,Pearse Street

This pub sports a wonderfulpink exterior. A popular spot with TCD students who come from thecomputer and science end of the college and aren't self-indulgentwankers like their counterparts in th e Arts Block. Also quiet,thanks be to christ. Clientele consists of aforementionedstudents and Pearse Street/Markevicz House residents moaning atthe bar about how their locality has been ruined by apartmentsgoing everywhere. It was of course, an oasis bef ore all this,with high unemployment rates and a serious heroin problem. It'snice, empty on Sundays though, best time to go there is aweeknight.

The Foggy Dew,Central Bank

Actually, we hate going inhere. We never drink there. But we felt we had to say what a crappub this is. The place has been done up in recent years and oh,how it shows I tell you. W ankers with mobiles, filofaxes, shoesand short back and sides in there with their career driven birds,shouting over every one else to make sure the shite they'retalking is heard by everyone within earshot. We remember going inthere years ago, when the pla ce was crawling with scummy gothsand crusties selling bad acid in the corner. We hated them but wehated them less than the current crowd. Its noisy, packed, ittakes an eternity to get served and its in Temple Bar, the meccaof the pisshead over for the Sta g Weekend. Say no more.

The Big Tree,Dorset Street

This is a really nice pub. Welike the split le vel at the back, so if you want to talk aboutillegal stuff you can go downstairs next to the toilets, and makeit seem even more sinister; or if you've just had a bad day youcan go up to the balcony, drop cigarette butts, and spill yourpint over the people you dont like the look of below. They doreally nice lunches during the week, their pizza is excellent.Its quiet on week nights. It is to be avoided at weekendshowever, when it turns into Essex Boys and Girls night out, withchains, shirts, boots, short sk irts, and other dickheadparaphenalia coming out in force.