David Holmes @ The Kitchen, 15th January: The DJ's shit, lets slash his throat. Or maybe instead just the cables from the decks to the sound system. You could then hook them up to my stereo at home, because I'd do a fucking better job of doing DJ than him . Well, maybe not a better job but I couldnt do a worse job. If being a DJ involves doing what David Holmes does for a living then fuck me, the only thing I want to be in life is a DJ. I want to play records all night and get coked off my head with models . In S@E 27 I was talking with Rohan and Naphta of Bassbin about the importance of DJs, and how they still have a place in dance culture. At the time I was disagreeing with them, but after seeing a really bad DJ I now realise what they were talking about. D avid Holmes doesnt mix records. He just lets one finish and turns down the volume on it, and the brings up the volume on the next one. And theres no order to his tunes. He just plays any old shit in any old fucking sequence. OH yeah MAN, its "eclectic". No it isnt. Its shit. I heard two good tunes the whole night, which were his own "My Mate Paul" and the music from the Lucozade ad on the TV. The rest of the night, especially the beginning of his set, was utter northern soul funky bollocks. Crap. Really, really bad music. Played all this stuff from that Cult Fiction LP according to my mate Aidan. I dont think I heard two tunes in sucsession that had similar beats at all. I dont mind hearing different tunes on a dancefloor but theres no planning in this blokes set, its like he's just looking at his record collection and just choosing at random what he wants next, fuck what the crowd want, fuck what was on beforehand, fuck creating any kind of atmosphere. Eclectic means shit. Dont ever go to the Kitchen on a Thursday. Actually, unless Warp come over ever with a Blech night, which has been in the works for a while, I cant see any reason to go to the kitchen again. Even last night it was way too crowded, the dancefloor was jammed and there was no room to move. James the hardcore techno veteran says that even on a Tuesday now for Genius its way too busy, and you have wankers dressed up to the tits at it, who should actually be at the house nights there. There was a fair contingent of skirts+boots and shirts+shoes there as well. I've nothing against people getting a bit dressed up to go out, I even do it myself to a certain extent (i.e. I put on a better t-shirt) but when its done to this excess its just sad. Its just pure poseurism and people care more about being seen and picked up rather than listening to the tunes. Whats the point in going to a place like this when theres very little difference between it and some shite place like the Vatican or Coppe r Face Jacks? The only difference I can really see is that theres a playstation in the corner and the music is different (but still shit)... alright, maybe the place isnt that bad but I'm just pissed off I spent six quid in to see some tosser mix a load of shit together very badly. I dont even want to use the word mix cos he just didnt. I dont much at all about how to DJ but having seen countless sets in the last four or five years I know this bloke should not be allowed neat a fucking DJ booth again. Chances are he will be though, so whatever you do, don t go and see him.