On a related topic, the Minister who brought us the wonderful concept
of "Zero Tolerance" (1984 has already happened, dont you know), is now
demanding a ban on a certain UK Glossy magazine for allegedly promoting
drug use. Hopefully the government will do
us all a favour and ban them all.. anyway, the offending article
in question was akin to a drug phrasebook
for international travellers. In case you were looking for a few E's
in say, Canada, but didnt know the local slang terms, this article basically
helped you along your way. Quite amusing to say the least. However, some
politicians didnt see it that way. S
o for you, the S@E reader, we've put together a phrasebook to be a
politician. And these phrases will work whatever country you happen to
be in.
So, you've just read an article that you consider offensive. As a public
representative, what do you say?
"This article is a danger to our children/the moral fabric of society/the
religious values that we cherish so dearly/the protected offspring of the
middle class that regularly donate large amounts to my poltical party."
When passing new laws that curb our civil liberties, you say, "These
laws are needed to eradicate extremists/punish evil people/harass anyone
that the Garda dont like and give them a legitimate excuse to lock people
up for long periods of time for no reas
on and even bring a prosecution against them on the word of a single
superintendent."
When explaining reasons for economic decline, "This factory closure
is due to a global recession/falling interest rates/hundreds of dirty,
filthy, illegal immigrants coming over here to our sacred island and destroying
it with their foreign ways, and livi
ng off social welfare, even though we've made laws that dont allow
them to work while their asylum applications are being considered."
When rezoning green belts for yet more expensive, cramped housing,
"This land was rezoned for many young couples looking for houses/to ease
the pressue on urban spaces/to make sure that the building contractor gets
a fat pay cheque and I also get a nice b
ig fat brown envelope in the post, which is of course a donation to
my political party and which I will not benefit from personally at all."
When opening a new factory, "This new scheme will give a great boost
to the local economy/attract more foreign investment/employ local people
on a contract basis with low wages, bad working conditions, no union, long
hours, no holidays and will more than
likely pull out of here in five years when their tax allowances and
IDA grants run out."
When discussing your refusal to back a minimum wage, "This move is
not economically viable/unadvisable due to current market trends/not going
to happen because my friends in IBEC told me not to, and anyway why should
I give a shit when I happen to be maki
ng about forty grand a year plus expenses, and even more than that
if I'm a Minister."
When caught accepting bribes from businesses for political favours,
being involved in a money laundering scam with your druglord cousin, and
caught on camera in a brothel indulging in unspeakable acts with prostitutes,
rent boys, farm yard animals and a v
ariety of low-grade drugs while all the time preaching about family
values and morals, "No comment."
James Brown is a Soul Man. I know this to be true because Kod and myself
roared it with the rest of the brothers and sisters, all of us black
and
proud for one night only. We roared it back to the man himself as he
gyrated and dazzled in his blindingly tacky yet somehow tasteful sequined
green three piece suit. The night was all about hyped up showmanship
and
the James Brown All-Stars band had us drooling for the main attraction
ten
minutes into thier ass-kicking set of heavy funked up soul with lots
of
groovy guitar riffs and sexy sassy brass sounds. When all of sudden
he was
there, you knew about it. He was pure energy. And the dancing cheer
ladies
in american flag swimsuits was a strange yet delightful sight to behold.
The caberet style musician was surreal enough for twenty seconds but
then
he just became farcical, the result of some cocaine induced promise
the
night before, imho. Brown delivered the goods with kicking performances
of
SoulMan, I feel Good and Cold Sweat. Roni Size also deliveded a decent
set, a lot more exciting on the decks
that his New Forms album would suggest. Enough heavy cool beats so
that
you could almost ignore the irritating M.C. talking crap. What the
fuck is
the purpose of this plonkers? We missed Karen Ramirez who had
played
first and we don't care. Overall an excellant gig in the Point (shout
out
to all those Communications kids in DCU just finished). Pity there
isn't
more dance events in the place.