Various Artists "Meal Time": My friends had gotten me for my birthday the ultimate toy for taking far too much drugs and sitting in front of the TV all night (i.e. a Playstation and wipeout), so now the search was on to find the ultimate sound track that was going to be piped into my Pioneer SE-M250's (also the fucking proverbial dogs bollocks). And I didnt have to look far. Holy shit. The first
track by Jega, entitled D.M.C., just doesnt flow out of the headphones, it fucking attacks your brain cells with each fresh menacing drill beat. I think I nearly had a heart attack when I heard this. And then this crazy melody builds up, it sounds like some circus music gone mad. This track is truly amazing and I've heard a lot about Jega on the net, he's signed to Autechre's Skam label, and
although I've never seen any Skam stuff for sale in any Dublin shops, I'll definitely be keeping my eyes peeled for it in the future. Other drill-influenced tracks are Wafta's "Morpeth Issot" and Point Blank's "Eternally", which melts drum'n'bass down to the bare essentials and then completely loops it backwards and fucks it up completely, with one of the biggest, deepest, hardest breakdowns that
had my ears crying for more pain. Other tracks that stood out are Plug's "Argos", which flows along nicely, with some harp strums in the backgroundm and suddenly turns into this huge big beat d'n'b number, the beats are so fucking chunky you can just see all the people at Skint and Wall Of Sound crying with jealousy, and all over it theres this downward spiralling piano sample which moulds well into the beats; AFX's (Aphex Twin) track "bummy" was not quite what I expected -
considering the opener by Jega, I thought this one was going to be all drills, but its not, its quite easy on the brain, very interesting little guitar strums woven into the usual Aphex noise, the track also has changing time signatures which is pretty cool, not that much attention is paid to them on this LP anyway;
the Red Snapper track "Get Some Sleep Tiger" from the Prince Blimey LP is remixed nicely by Plaid (although the trainspotters among you will already have this track from the B-Side of the Mooking Remixes 12"); and u-ziq does his usual madness with two tracks at the end. The rest of the 12 tracks are pretty good - just that the ones mentioned stood out. The compilation is fairly speedy, defintely not for those with pacemakers. It *is* definitely worth a purchase.

Alpha "SometimeLater" This single is taken from the "ComeFromHeaven" LP which was released last September. Alpha are undoubtedly the sleaziest band I can think of at the moment. Slow, dubby, blissed out grooves with minimal wire brush snare beats and strings drawn out over the whole lot. SometimeLater drifts along at a very leisurely pace, you can almost picture the countless couples in bedrooms everywhere fucking slowly with each ache of Martin Barnards' voice. "SometimeLater (Theme)" is a remix
of title track, slightly higher BPM's but still extremely blissed out ambience, the vocals have been removed and the track's been beefed up with a heavier bassline a la Massive Attack (who run the label Melankolic that Alpha are on). "Over" sounds slightly jazzy in places but still holds onto the shoey atmosphere made by the first two tracks, and "pepper(95)" is a seriously
fucked-down, dub heavy, bass laden version of the track that became "Back" on the ComeFromHeaven LP. Overall not a bad little EP, but its really only for completists, and theres nothing new or distinctive in sound from the LP. It is nice though if you're a hormone crazed pervert and not bothered holding back for an entire LP's worth, and want it faster (but not too fast now mind you..). Quite nice for a fiver.

Curve "Chinese Burn": Curve released their last LP "Cuckoo" years ago, and then there was nothing from them for ages, then one little glimmer of hope in the "Pink Girl With The Blues" single, then nothing again for ages, dammit, and finally this. Toni Halliday has an amazing voice and thankfully they havent distorted it too much on the opener [Steve Osborne Mix of Chinese Burn, which I think is used in the video for the single]. It's pure Curve stuff, mangled loud guitars mixed with dangerous techno beats, with Toni singing very scary shit through it all. Curve have always
been willing to fuck around with the boring indie sound in their tracks and the extra production puts them ahead of the crap they're usually lumped in with. Even around the time of stuff like Fait Accompli or the Frozen EP they were still making far better tunes than any of their pigeonhole counterparts like Ride or Swervedriver. The Paul Van Dyk Mix is ok, starts off with jus' plain ol' techno beats, but then the melody from the
first track comes in and it almost ends up sounding like a bouncy Goa Trance number. The Lunatic Calm remix belongs on the Meal Time Compilation (reviewed elsewhere), clanging fucked up d'n'b beats, actually quite similar in sound to the Wafta track on that LP. The Witchman remix is similar to Steve Osborne's, just exaggerated more. The Headcase medipac Mix is the best of the lot, it starts off for about two minutes
with a very quiet ambient melody floating in the background, and Toni singing almost acapella over the top of it, then these breakbeats appear from nowhere and whip you out of your trance. Excellent. Toni's voice is again very distorted and digitalised but it works well. The 6th track on the EP is a new one, "Robbing Charity", sounds sort of like something you might hear at a progessive house night, with heavy 4/4 beats, high hat build ups and kickdrums,
(nice one!) Toni's singing again top form. As for the last track, "Come Clean", well.. very disappointing closer. Sounds like something you'd pick up on the end of a badly copied 1980's punk tape. Oh well, you cant have everything I guess. Overall then quite interesting, hopefully the new LP (out soon?) will be in a similar vein, although maybe not considering this EP is mostly remixes.. anyway, you get 7 tracks for a fiver, so you cant complain really...

Boris Dlugosch "Hold Your Head Up High" (remixes on Positiva): Thayl wont like me reviewing this garage in S@E but fuck him.. this has been knocking about for a fair while now and last summer in London it was a big gay pride anthem in the clubs. The radio edit and the original high up mix are pure "hands in the air" stuff with instant singalongabiilty, quite commercial *except* for that big, dirty, fat, sleazy, wobbly bassline that pulses
underneath the beats. Uh-oh.. maybe this is speed garage. Ah fuck it. I like it. I always liked house and garage, nights like Bliss and Love were deadly, jungle is too fucking fast to dance to in clubs for an old fart like me. Hmm.. Track 3, the remix by Julian Jonah (of 187 Lockdown) is quite +8'd, and theres a fucking monster junglist bassline running through the usual house-esque whooping and handclap beats
that sounds cool coming out of my SE-M250's. The bass is making them vibrate on my skull. How can you argue with that? Well, alright, the lyrics leave a bit to be desired, but this track isnt for home listening really. I heard this in a bar on my birthday coming out of the PA and it was deadly, I ran up to the DJ and asked to see the sleeve. The other 3
remixes (Derrick Carter, Junior Vasquez, and More/Nunez) are nothing special. But Christ, the bass on that Julian Jonah remix. I'd love to hear it somewhere like the Red Box where you cant hear yourself think... fuck, maybe this bassline garage stuff is ok after all.

The Charlatans "Melting Pot" Where were you in '92? Chances are, if you were like me, and you hadnt yet heard the brilliance of the Orb's "u.f.orb"; you were locked out of your face at an indie disco, staring at your feet and shaking the dandruff out of your long haired mop. And two tracks that stand out in my mind from that time are "Then", with its hammond-organ-esque keyboard riffs and chunky bassline, and
"The Only One I Know" with its instant catchiness and upbeat tempo. These two tracks open this LP, which is a "best of.." the Charlatans from the last six or seven years they've been around. Normally a "best of" compilation spells the end of a band so it wouldnt surprise me if theres a press release or conference soon to announce the end..
It would be shame if they split up or finished. I've always been a peripheral fan of this lot, even if some of their material around the time of "The Charlatans" I personally found weaker than some of their earlier tunes, like the excellent "wierdo" (which is also featured). The Charlatans, like the Roses, also found a groove with
their music, and worked with the Chemicals on the excellent "Patrol" (and later Tim Burgess collobarated with them on Exit Planet Dust). Their tunes are quite danceable.. although in the middle this LP loses my interest a bit. Stuff like "Cant Get Out of Bed", "Crashin In" and "Just Lookin'" never struck me as being classics, especially when you listen to the older tunes, or even the newer stuff like "North Country Boy", whic probably could have been a lager louts anthem for yobs north of Birmingham everywhere
(or any other bunch of pissed lads, for that matter) if it was a bit faster, and "One To Another", which really is a classic tune. It stands out a mile on Tellin Stories and should have been absolutely massive... this collection, although running out of steam in places, isnt half bad at all and would be a nice addition to your racks if
you hadnt ever bought any Charlatans releases, but knew some of their hits. At 17 tracks it is a bit stretched, and probably could have been edited down to 12 or 13. It sums up their career to date fairly accurately, above all else.

AFX "Analogue Bubblebath III": This LP from a while back has been re-released by Rephlex, probably under pressure from hordes of screaming trainspotters killing each other to get one of the very limited original copies still in circulation. Yours truly was one of them, and I had to order this from the USA. Was it worth it in the end?
Not really. Quite disappointing when you consider the fuss made over this release. AB4 was also a huge let down (especially after forking out 20 quid sterling of my hard earned cash for the damn thing). Most of the tracks on this are very throw-away. The only one that hit me right away was 6 (there are no track titles on the inlay card, although there are track titles somewhere on the net but I just amnt bothered looking for them..) because of the vacuum cleaner at the start of it.
I'd really like to find out when this was originally released because most of the tunes sound like they're from the Xylem Tube/Classic era, which had its moments, but the thumping acid of back then wrecked the head on more than one occasion; and its repeated on this LP. Theres not much else to say about it really.. its genuinely only for fools like me who must have every Aphex release ever, or else their soul feels empty and devoid of any true meaning. Its no wonder Warp didnt release this, because it really is unconvincing and doesnt do the talents of RDJ any justice.

N.M.E. Brat bus tour- The Redbox, 13th of January.
 The lineup on this year's yearly tour from those generous hearts
from London didn't exactly inspire me much. If it wasn't for the timely
birthday of yours truely, i don't think i would've shown my face around
those parts, that night. Headlining were The Stereophonics, looking the
best band were Asian Dub Foundation, and tagging along for the ride were
The Warm Jets (who supported Blur in the point, apparantly.....)  and
Theaudience (not a typo, i assure you.)
 Last years tour seemed a bit duff (where are Tiger, 3 Colours Red and
Geneva now ??????), but the year before springboarded The Bluetones and
The Cardigans to international stardom. Well, at least being played on
Fm104 all the time.........
 Anyway, arriving in style to the Redbox, soaked to our skins, we
strolled in and Theaudience had just hit the stage. I don't think they
made too many new fan's with their set, i can't remember too much about
them, aside that they had a keyboard player and a good looking female
singer. So, I'm gonna compare them to Sleeper just coz they have a female
singer. Enough about them. The Warm Jets decided to entertain us then.
Once more, I can't say i took much notice of them. They weren't
offensivly bad, or anything, they just weren't any good. I'm sure they're
lovely lads, but the whole indie rock genre is too over-subscribed to by
ppl who just stick to the stale verse-chorus-verse-chorus-break (possibly
a solo)-verse-sing a long bit at the end. Yawn.
 The crowd mainly appeared to be there largely for the Asian Dub
Foundation. I expected a N.M.E sponsered night to be full of Gallagher
track suit tops, and THAT horrible haircut, you know, the one brushed
down at front....... but to my (pleasent) suprise, it was largely an
older crowd,  with a fair smattering of dance-headz. So when the A.D.F.
jumped onto the stage, the crowd at the front went into a frenzied pogo
filled danceathon, suiting the music being played. Their mixture of
Beastie Boys and Spearhead were the first band to distract myself and me
pals from our respective pints. They were fairly kicking, actually, i
wish i went up the front. That, i was relieably informed, was *the* place
to be. Drat. But the best thing about A.D.F, was that they had their own
Bez!!! Yeah, everyband should have their own dancer, who does fuck all
but ponce around like a lunatic on stage. He's probably their drug
dealer, or something   : )
 I had heard great things about The Stereophonics. "They're just
like the Manics!!!". "The future of rock!!!". I wish. The future of all
things sounding like bland (AGAIN!!!!ARGH!!!!) English rock, more like.
Well, they were definitely the best of the guitar bands, and I knew one
of their songs from somewhere which was pretty alright, but once more I
was bored by them.
 So, nice venue, good  crowd, one good band, three shite bands and
a lot of (expensive) drink consumed, coz there was little else to do. Oh
well. For a publication like the N.M.E. , who apparantly pride themselves
on bringing new music to the masses, this was a bit of a let down. They
better do better next year, damnit!
 

Palomime, Bobby Pulls a Wilson and Lotus Eaters.-Mean Fiddler 7 Jan.
 Having seen Palomime support Venus Envy in the Da club about a
month ago, i was looking forward to this gig a lot. They blew me away
with their Stereolab-funk-jazz-Sonic Youth esque
kinda thang.  So, knowing the band from experiences previous, scared the
shit out of me when , at about 9.30  Glen (bassist) strolled up to me,
with that o-so-funky air of his, told me "the gig is off!!!!!". Arggh.
Apparantly, one evil (unnamed....but we know who you are!) "mate" *ahem*
of theirs scrawled his mark across the walls of the Mean Fiddler. Being
not too smart, this was indeed the 2nd time he had defaced the hallowed
walls of the 'Fiddler. So, the manager pulled the plug. Obviously , this
is not the end of the story, otherwise this review wouldnt be intresting
enough to print. So then, after a lot of pushing and pulling with the
manager, to stem the impending riots, the gig was (finally) allowed to go
ahead, though Palomime were banned from the Mean Fiddler. Forever. Well,
they'll be kicking themselves when they rocket to number one, thats what
I say.
 Aside from that blip, the Mean Fiddler is actually a really nice
place. Sound bar-staff, deadly sound system and a cozy pastel walled
atmosphere. Pity the place was half empty, but thats what to expect when
ppl don't get off their arses to go and actually see bands around Dublin.
Any half-arsed N.M.E. supported band could fill the Mean Fiddler, or
whereever, but those very same ppl rarely go and support young homegrown
Irish music , whether it be of the dance variety, a dj etc etc.
 Anyway, back to the night in question. Bobby Pulls a Wilson
opened, and were damn good. Pity nobody actually went past the bar
section, to the dancefloor to watch the band. That must be a pisser,
playing to an audience about 20 metres away. Well, lonely as the where,
they still put on a bit of a show, with loads of overly dramatic jumping
around on stage, and a good light show. The music was somewhere
in indie land, resting between Sack and Rollerskate Skinny. Lots of quiet
verses, load chorus's and mad noizy bits. Yeah, just what every band
should be like.........
 Palomime went on second. Gosh, I don't know what to write.
They're just too damn good. O.k., I'll try. Two female singers. They both
play guitar, although Coibhe tinkles her moog (what, eh. *nudge* *wink*)
during a few songs. Wonderful harmonies,ala Kim Deal, sung over
Sonic-Youth/Pavement guitar melodies. But most definitely an original
sound. The almost Jamaroquai rhythm section funkily plod along in the
backround, leaving the punters stunned by the aural attack (well I felt
that way anyway.... ).
They played a longer set than in the Da club, and there was a good few
songs they didn't play the second time around, so its good to see a band
not playing the same 10 songs each time. Very healthy indeed. I can see a
lot of great things for this band, gazing into my crystal ball...........
 Lotus Eaters are shite, pants RAWK, in the worst possible sense.
They had a Flying-V giutar for fuck sake. I refused to watch them, drank
up and left to catch the last bus. "yeah, rock'n'roll, man!!!"

The Da Club, could this place be the smallest club in the world? With the
smallest selection of drinks in the world? Well not to worry, Venus Envy
were headlining so what more could you want really? But before The Envy
could startle us with their wares, some people who I'd never heard of
before called The Great Western Squares took to the stage, in all their
folk-group-non-drummer-or-bass-player glory. After a bit of trouble with
faulty leads (blame it all on the sound engineer) they belted out a few
mediocre hum alongs that wouldn't go astray at the Temple Bar Singer
Songwriter nights. Following some hard staring at the lead singer, I
remembered that I saw some video of theirs being played on No Disco, and
on 2TV too!! High profile or what?
 And then, in a blink of a big yellow eye, Palomine jumped on and
lashed into some Sonicy Youthy sounds that everybody seems to be trying
to emulate nowadays around Dublin. (except for the punks that've just
learnt off their power cords) S@E have mixed reactions about Palomine
actually. Bob didn't really like their use of the warbled keyboard (It's
a moog, ya thick shite), Stripe thought they were pretty darn good,
Singer loves them, but he doesn't count because he's mates with them. And
I thought that the lead singer avec le Fender Jaguar was a big ride. So,
quickly moving on........
 To Venus Envy who we've all seen before and we all love 'em, so
big biased review time here. *grin* Once again, I recognised a load of
the songs from before, a lot of which have yet to be released. One little
quibble of mine would be that even though the sound system in The Da Club
is loud (that's actually because it's so bleedin' small that wherever you
stand, you're beside a speaker), VE's sound was kind of muffled in
places, especially Maura's voice, which we want to ring bright and clear
form the church towers of Dublin every morning so as to soothe and calm
all those who listen. Why can't all Dublin bands be as original and
innovative as this crowd eh?
 But despite all this good musik, the highlight of the night was
for me, when Stripe lost one of his manky scumbag gold rings, but it
turned out that pierced-eyebrow-boy-Dave had it lodged in his hoodie.
Fools the lot of them........

-A review of Stripe's new jacket, by Thayl-

Following Stripe's debut coat, "Black Manky Cover for a Hot Water
Boiler", he's wowed us all with his new release entitled "Fairly
Expensive Snowborder Type Jacket". At a glance, this garment seems to see
Stripe get back to his skater roots, but those familiar with his earlier
release would have copped on that he never in his life touched a
skateboard, and you would also be familiar with his deep rooted hatred
for all those who persist on attaching in-line wheels to their shoes. So,
is our gold ring cladded hero finally selling out, discarding his
House-Bubble-Jacket roots and heading in a more
Breakbeat-Streamlined-Zip-Up look? I was recently granted an exclusive
interview with the man himself where, for the first time since 1993, he
talks candidly about his new jacket, and the direction in which his
clothing is taking him.

Thayl: So what were your main influences in buying this new jacket?

Stripe: Eh? What the fuck are you on about?

Thayl: Well compared to your first release, this new offering seems to be
taking a whole new direction, do you cite any changes in the public's
attitude to drum and bass as a predominant factor in this transformation?

Stripe: My jacket? What about it? I'm not telling you where I got it, and
why are you talking shite?

Thayl: Some of the hard core fans are disillusioned by this radical
change, they think you're selling out, do you have any response for these
dumbstruck kids?

Stripe: Thayl, get the fuck out of my office and write something decent
for a change, and get that damn tape recorder out of my face.....

Thayl: And finally, your recent release on the fairly established Penny's
label (Navy Mole Skin Jeans) was seen by critics as a good indicator of
the new material which you intend to translate from the underground to a
more commercial audience. Aren't you afraid that this apparent
compromising of your independent ideals may see the destruction of your
reasonable credibility in alternative clothing?

Stripe: Right you're DEAD!! Come here you skinny little bollox, come back
here!!

Dum, tish, dum dum, dumdumdumdumd, tish tish tisisisisisisisiisisisis,
blam.
Yes, well done, it's Squarepusher!! It's the new LP, Burningn'n Tree.
(Spelt just like that, with added n's) Actually, it's not really new,
because most of the tracks are older ones released done on Spymania
around '95 and '96. But their age doesn't distract from their pure drum
and bass frenzy brilliance. Kicking off with the imaginatively titled
"Track 1" which sets the tone for the whole album really, this sounds
like cheezy shopping music speeded up a million times with added whirrs
and chip pan crackles. And all the way through this (like on the subtly
named "Track 2" for instance) we get breaks of background jazz and funky
bass, sweeping waves of sound being punched into your face by breakneck
beats that just sound too fast to be true. It'd be totally impossible for
anybody to dance to this, but I'd love to see them try...... Actually,
it's not all super fast drills and machines, there's plenty of places
where you can take a breath and relax for a minute, just a quick minute
mind you, before the next infectious drum loop takes you in again. My
fave track would be the glamorously named "Track 9", which is way too
short (1.27) but is totally excellent. This release is well worth the
cash by the way, the whole thing clocks in at around seventy minutes,
much better than that shitty Japanese Import EP that you ordered off the
Web for some criminal price. Of course, it can all prove too much, and
unless you've heard any of Squarepushers stuff before, I wouldn't
recommend this to any newbie drum and basser type. Get Hard Normal Daddy
(also by Mr. Pusher) before you get this, 'cause that one doesn't aurally
assault you as much as this piece of killer drum-fest. There, that's it,
all said. Bye.

Spooky, spine chilling, frightening in places? Depressing? Moody, dark
but tuneful. Scratchy, fuzzy, old records being scratched by a DJ bloke.
Echoing drums and looping keyboards, alarming to some. Bleak? A haunting
voice, a supernatural voice. That would be the new Portishead album right
there, all summed up in those words. Well, those words and these other
ones. This album is incredible, it's a must buy, it's hard to listen to,
Beth Gibbons' voice sounds so sad, so forlorn in a way it depresses you
somehow. The first track Cowboys especially made me wanna go "Oh cheer
the fuck up missus...." but it's effective, it's powerful so that's a
good thing. And this whole collection of music sounds so, so 'old' in a
way, kind of muffled as if they recorded the whole thing, put it on a
record, beat up the record, and then recorded the record being played on
a crappy broken turntable. Great effect there Portishead!! Beth's vocals
really stand out, on Seven Months she even sounds like she's pretending
to sing "Goldfinger" or something. *grin* Classic.......actually my only
fault with this album is the track Half Day Closing. For some reason
Beth's voice seems to mimic the exact tune of the song "Like Suicide" by
non other than those grunger types Soundgarden!! I can't listen to that
song properly without hearing Chris Cornell screaming into my ear, weird
eh? This album really should have a warning sticker or something, "Don't
listen if you're already maniacally depressed, you'll only go and kill
yourself". You've been warned........

David Holmes @ The Kitchen, 15th January: The DJ's shit, lets slash his throat. Or maybe instead just the cables from the decks to the sound system. You could then hook them up to my stereo at home, because I'd do a fucking better job of doing DJ than him. Well, maybe not a better job but I couldnt do a worse job. If being a DJ involves doing what David Holmes does for a living then fuck me, the only thing I want to be in life is a DJ. I want to play records all night and get coked off my head with models.
In S@E 27 I was talking with Rohan and Naphta of Bassbin about the importance of DJs, and how they still have a place in dance culture. At the time I was disagreeing with them, but after seeing a really bad DJ I now realise what they were talking about. David Holmes doesnt mix records. He just lets one finish and turns down the volume on it, and the brings up the volume on the next one. And theres no order to his tunes. He just plays any old shit in any old fucking sequence. OH yeah MAN, its "eclectic".
No it isnt. Its shit. I heard two good tunes the whole night, which were his own "My Mate Paul" and the music from the Lucozade ad on the TV. The rest of the night, especially the beginning of his set, was utter northern soul funky bollocks. Crap. Really, really bad music. Played all this stuff from that Cult Fiction LP according to my mate Aidan. I dont think I heard two tunes in sucsession that had similar beats at all.
I dont mind hearing different tunes on a dancefloor but theres no planning in this blokes set, its like he's just looking at his record collection and just choosing at random what he wants next, fuck what the crowd want, fuck what was on beforehand, fuck creating any kind of atmosphere. Eclectic means shit. Dont ever go to the Kitchen on a Thursday.
Actually, unless Warp come over ever with a Blech night, which has been in the works for a while, I cant see any reason to go to the kitchen again. Even last night it was way too crowded, the dancefloor was jammed and there was no room to move. James the hardcore techno veteran says that even on a Tuesday now for Genius its way too busy, and you have wankers dressed up to the tits at it, who should actually be at the house nights there.
There was a fair contingent of skirts+boots and shirts+shoes there as well. I've nothing against people getting a bit dressed up to go out, I even do it myself to a certain extent (i.e. I put on a better t-shirt) but when its done to this excess its just sad. Its just pure poseurism and people care more about being seen and picked up rather than listening to the tunes. Whats the point in going to a place like this when theres very little difference between it and some shite place like the Vatican or Copper Face Jacks? The only difference I can really see
is that theres a playstation in the corner and the music is different (but still shit)... alright, maybe the place isnt that bad but I'm just pissed off I spent six quid in to see some tosser mix a load of shit together very badly. I dont even want to use the word mix cos he just didnt. I dont much at all about how to DJ but having seen countless sets in the last four or five years I know this bloke should not be allowed neat a fucking DJ booth again. Chances are he will be though, so whatever you do, dont go and see him.
From thayl  Mon Feb  9 21:12:51 1998
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Subject: decal
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Decal, Decal Decal Decal. At the Funnel, Funnel Funnel. Sorry, my pen was
skipping tracks there.....
Wow, Phunk City eh? Run by those cute little fairy folk from Ultramack
records. Don't we love them? Actually, it wasn't just Decal at the
Funnel, it was Decal Vs The Wormholes. And there I was, standing up the
front waving my hands and waiting for some WWF style warfare until Singer
took me aside and explained slowly that the two groups were actually just
going to play music together, and not kick the shit out of each other as
I had hoped. Awwwwww. I suppose The Wormholes would have won the scrap
purely by outnumbering Decal, but I'm sure the U:Mack boys would have got
a few sly kicks in before running off screaming like the women they
really are. (Ah ha, only messin' lads, so I'm still good for those
concession passes yeah?)
 Well first off, The Funnel is a really nice place, with a nice
big, errrr, Funnel thing on the roof just over the bar. And it's got the
bestest oil heater type thing in the fucking WORLD!!!! I was freezing my
arse off outside Trinity for half an hour before Singer and his sister
turned up but boy did I warm up nice and quick when I got into the club.
Excellent stuff. And the sound system is ear-poppingly good too. And the
toilets are clean. (Not like the 'orrible Fusion bar, hehehehe) And and
and, it smells nice, and there's glitter balls everywhere!! (Well, two of
them anyway) The Wormholes kick off the evening's entertainment by
running up the aisles waving their intercontinental belts around and
screaming into the mikes about how they were going to kick Decal's sorry
ass. Oh wait, no, that's not what happened. Some bloke on a keyboard
started a catchy little organ tune on what looked like the worlds oldest
keyboard. I actually thought he was just some sound check dude because he
kept at the same little melody for ages, but then the drummer got up on
stage and kicked into a seriously head bopping beat followed by the bass
player and then wow, sounds a bit like Spiritualized in a way.....the
organ dude pulled on a guitar and strummed a bit and even played the
harmonica!! And then before I could say "Hey, you're playing a harmonica"
some other bloke got up on stage and pulled one of those snake charmer
pipes from his pants and started tooting it!!
For a minute I thought anybody who had brought an instrument got to jump
onto the stage so I started wrapping some tissue around Singer's comb but
I was beaten by Decal who jumped up and started kicking the heads of The
Wormholes and smacking them with chairs. Ah no, hang on, that didn't
happen either, they actually just started playing along with The
Wormholes for a while, but unfortunately just as it started to get really
interesting (nobody knew what to make of it at first) The Wormholes
fucked off and Decal just ended up playing by themselves for the rest of
the night. Not a bad thing at all mind you, with such classics as
Self-Storage and Pigeyes gets Whacked blasting out into the night sure
anybody would be happy with that. It's just that, well, there wasn't
enough Wormholes/Decal collaboration. Oh well, I suppose it'd be a bit
tricky trying to merge stuff like that together, but it'd sure be nice to
see them try it again some time.